Back To The Beginning

Back to square one for me. Depressed after another relapse. Relapse in all aspects of my current life situation. Had to ask myself some serious questions instead abt who I am. Do I really even know?  Do I keep just searching for who I am in the people around me and validation from external sources? Do I keep going through life having to learn lessons and boundaries the hard way, learning only who I don’t want my actions show that I am? Do I keep learning theories about how to live life or do I just finally live my own life? It doesn’t matter how many books I read, how much information I learn, I can’t say that I really know how to do anything that works in a good way for me or my life. I only know what doesn’t work at this moment. And that’s ok. It is what it is. I can’t change anything about that. I realized I keep returning to the beginning because I never actually moved past the beginning in the way that felt right in my heart. And that’s what I should focus on, meanwhile accepting the consequences of my previous actions as they are without wanting to change or run away from them.

I’ve heard from several people that they feel like I’m hiding something  when they get close to me. Because I am, I’m hiding my inexperience in life. I learned things here and there on the surface through my journey in this life but never actually figured out what I want, what I need and my own abilities. I never walked my talk, so to speak. I wanted a chance to figure it out on my own as soon as I hit the age of adulthood, instead of either just doing what i’m told to do, or finding ways around it, hide that i’m not really doing that. And I never ended up doing that. Instead I still either did what others around me told me I should do or just found ways of not doing something I don’t want but hiding it.

The other problem is my actual talk. Because I have all these theories of who I am, or want to be, what I can or can’t do , what’s right and wrong, but have no actual practice when it comes to me, I talk a lot. I talk a lot and with confidence like I know what i’m talking about. I would get in emotional arguments with people about things that I have no idea about and made statements with intense confidence that I really don’t know how could’ve affected the people I’m talking to. I got to experience literally everything that I’ve talked negatively about . Everything that I’ve said “I would never do that”, “that will never happen to me” about I got to experience myself. I don’t want any more of those experiences. It’s time to finally learn who I am through my own practice based on what I want. Right now I’m an extremely depressed and angry person and can’t handle basic communications with others. And my first step right now is to finally stop talking. Stop searching for validation from others. Stop making statements about who I am to others. Just shut up and do what I’m capable of doing right now and see what happens next.

 

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