Deep Breath….Just Breath

I was feeling pretty shitty today, just down and angry. I was angry at everyone, everyone in my life. For nothing in particular, just for not being like me, i guess. That’s the reason i was feeling like they were all against me. It’s like they were telling me that i just need to admit i have a problem but then what? Then shit has to change, i didn’t want anything to remain the way it was but change was scary, i didn’t know what that meant. Can i not be around normies now, what does it mean for my current situation at home? Why is everyone yelling and getting mad at me for not accepting that I’m an addict when they don’t want to do what they have to do for everything to change?…..So i was angry. I wasn’t really excited about going to the meeting today but I went anyway. 

And it was like the meeting was perfect for exactly the state of mind and emotions i was in. Like someone made me pick that specific meeting tonight, where we read the 1st Step from the 12 traditions book. That made me decide i think I’m ready to get a sponsor, I’m ready to work the steps and the program. I was ready to leave the meeting also but there was 30 minutes still left. I made myself stay. People shared. And hearing a few women share their stories, again i realized they are just like me, their stories are so similar to mine, not details but the thought process. And it felt like all of my concerns were addressed and the anger let go. I can’t stop using or drinking. I’m an addict. I can’t be a successful user or a drinker, i have tried many times and many times i have failed. I have lied to myself and others that i have failed and thought i was succeeding. But i see that i wasn’t, I can’t and I’m powerless over it. I’m an addict. And it has made my life unmanageable. I need to do what I have to in order for that to change, for my life to change, for a chance at true happiness, nobody else does. It doesn’t matter what anybody else is doing, it doesn’t help me in any way. I need help because on my own I can’t fight it, control it or maintain it. That’s all I need to worry about right now. I don’t want things to go my way anymore, it was making me and everyone around me miserable. I don’t know the way. So yes, I surrender. Show me the way, I don’t know if it will work. If you say that I have a better chance at making it work through the program, I’m willing to trust you. Just guide me through this. I realize i’m not saying this to myself, to anyone in particular, just someone out there, bigger than me, higher than me, who has the power over me. My Higher Power 🙂

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