As I said I surrender my will to the Higher Power last night, something inside of me didn’t like it. The word surrender, I didn’t like it. Why the hell should I surrender. Does the Higher Power even exist, or was this all orchestrated so I can say I surrender. So I would have to admit I was wrong. So they all can feel like they’re better than me. Orchestrated by who? Who’s they? My dad, my boyfriend, my cousin probably had something to do with it. And now I bet they’re all happy, they feel like they’re better than me. How the fuck would they orchestrate it though, but if not them, who else would be doing it? It all falls too much perfectly in it’s place, somehow I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do all of a sudden. Resist. Resist. At all costs. I won’t let them break me, my will, I’m not surrendering. Then I was pissed, everything on the inside was sort of jumping around. And nobody around me to yell at. So I ate a bunch of marshmallows, just stuffed them in my mouth to the point where I had to take some out because it hurt my jaw to chew. After that I ate the last Hershey’s chocolate bar in the freezer. And then there was no more chocolate and I didn’t wanna keep eating marshmallows, so I ate some ice cream. I was feeling sick from all the sugar and the sweet taste in my mouth and had to go brush my teeth and drink a bunch of water to feel better. Then I decided not to think anymore about who could’ve orchestrated anything and why. Every time that lead me to the outcome that my dad or my boyfriend are the Higher Power. And that does sound ridiculous to me. Didn’t always though, at some point I in fact did think that my dad is the Higher Power, and he sort of orchestrates everything, makes me do what he wants me to do and then makes things happen on purpose that I don’t like just so I would be mad, sad, or hurt. I had the reality check when I was getting arrested for a DUI and the cops wouldn’t let me call my dad so he can just come pick me up and take my car. I really believed at first that they wouldn’t even arrest me, doesn’t matter that I was in fact drunk, I thought I could trick them, no problem. When that didn’t work, then I just have to call my dad, he’ll make them not arrest me. But they wouldn’t let me. That pissed me off and I was yelling at them, I couldn’t understand why the fuck weren’t they listening to me and why in the hell would they not just let me call my dad. He controls everything. I was yelling until they put me in the back of their car, and I fell asleep while they were finishing up what they had to do. Then I realized that my dad can’t control everything. Where my dad was the mean Higher Power at times, my boyfriend in my head was the nice version of one. Because he just made nice things happen and appear that I wanted. And he understood me. Until he stopped doing all of that and I started feeling like he’s doing that on purpose, just to make me upset or hurt or mad. But why would they do that though. I realized that I’m going down that same road of thinking at the end of which I just feel insane and so I grabbed my notebook so I can go write a story about an awesome world where things happen awesomely the way I want them to. And I started grabbing the pens that I think I would need and realized I’m missing my Precision V5 blue pen. I started looking for it and I couldn’t find it. I was getting really mad.
WHO THE FUCK TOOK MY BLUE PEN!?!?! It was just me and my dog in the house, at some point I did look at the dog wondering could she have taken my blue pen, no that’s craziness, but what if. She was just looking at me confused as all hell with the sweetest look in her eyes, I decided she didn’t take it. Then my boyfriend must have taken it on purpose, because he knows that it’s my favorite pen (along the other 50 that are also my favorite) but he wasn’t home, so what, he had to have, there’s just no other answer, that’s something he would do, just like he hid my tweezers from me one time. But reality was still telling me that it’s not possible. I went outside, smoke a couple of cigs, or more. Then I heard my dog barking at something, I couldn’t figure out what it was when I went inside. Nobody was outside or inside the house. See, the dog is an addict and crazy too. Everyone is. But that’s not possible. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BLUE PEN?!?! WHO TOOK IT? It was the goddamn Higher Power. Fuck you, Higher Power, give me my fucking pen back! That’s the least you can do, you already made me an addict, so all of this is your fault, and now you can’t even let me have my fucking pen!!!! I want my fucking blue pen! NOW! I hate you, Higher Power, you fucking suck, Higher Power, if you’re such a Higher Power then make everything happen the way I want, NOW! I want my boyfriend at home, NOW! Make that happen! I want my BLUE PEN, NOOOOWWWW!!!! RIGHT NOW! DO IT! I was mad until I was exhausted, and just felt powerless then I just cried. I sat in my dog’s bed next to her and just cried, and she was licking my face and I was just so damn tired that I couldn’t even think anymore. I climbed in my bed, called my dog to climb on my bed also, she was making me feel better, and went to sleep knowing that all I have to do and want to do tomorrow is make it to the meeting. I need the meeting.