What I’ve understood in the span of the past two days is that I did in fact have to find myself, but not in the way I originally thought it was meant. I had to find myself by accepting who I am, that nobody made me this way and I didn’t make myself this way, I just am this way. I’ve realized that I’m not the only person in the world who is like this, I just had to find other people who are like me. I am an addict. In recovery. Very early in recovery. My path to acceptance didn’t come easy, I wasn’t ready to accept everything the way that it is.
The first thing I’ve accepted and that I’ve developed is that I am addicted to a certain substance. I can’t stop using. I can’t control it ( This part came with great difficulty, after trying several times and only stopping at the point when I simply couldn’t get more no matter how much I wanted more. And I was hurting). It is controlling me at the moment and I don’t like it. I’ve accepted that at the moment I am too hurt and “broken” in every way possible and can’t do it alone. I asked for help then. With the help of ppl who care and love me I was able to go to a 30 day residential treatment. But while being in there, the whole time I thought that I just needed help getting clean. I thought I was different from everybody in there. They’re addicts. I’m not. I just got addicted to one substance. So I didn’t work the program. I listened to the counselors but didn’t hear them, I didn’t like what they were saying, so I rejected it as having anything to do with me.
My mind was constantly concentrated on my life at home, making sure that everything stays the way that it is once I finish the program and go back, making sure that the people I really wanted to stay in my life, don’t go anywhere. I knew there’s no way I could control that, and I was constantly feeling really bad anxiety. I didn’t want to accept in no way that outcome as a possibility and I was basically trying to do what I could to reassure myself that it didn’t happen. I knew that I’ve done things that were hurtful. I thought that I just need to admit that to them and not use anymore since that’s the reason I did those things. I thought I had to reassure everyone that I’m not bad anymore, that I won’t use anymore and therefore I am ok for them to be around. The one person that I was scared of losing the most was my boyfriend, so for the most part my thoughts were concentrated on convincing him that I’m ok, I’m not bad, I wanted him to see that it’s ok to love me now, I won’t do bad things, I won’t use anymore. I called him every night, and when I couldn’t get ahold of him, my anxiety would get so terrible to the point of being so nauseous that I was almost throwing up. And i would become obsessed with calling until i could get ahold of him, nothing else mattered at that point, i couldn’t concentrate or do anything else until I talked to him. When it came to my parents, I had a lot of resentment towards them and then I would resent myself for feeling that way because I saw them doing everything they can to help me in the way that they know how and they were hurting from it. So I thought I had to convince them as well that I’m ok, they don’t have to keep trying to help me so hard, I’m ok, I won’t use, I got this now. Since I had to be the best at everything, I did learn about all the tools and steps addicts take to stay in recovery. But to me I wasn’t an addict, I just got addicted to one substance.
Coming out of rehab my main goal was to not use. Fix my life and not use. Fix everything in my life RIGHT NOW. And not use. But I didn’t really know how to do that, couldn’t admit that though. I’m just gonna try my way through logic, psychology or I’m gonna make up my own way. And that’s what I did, exactly in that order. Attempt through logic: Since while I was using I did bad things and lost some of what I had going for me, then in my mind it made sense to me that everything I was then was wrong. Since I was doing ok while I wasn’t using then I have to go back to being that way. But that didn’t’ work. Attempt through psychology: I have to learn everything I can about how people are and then I just have to decide what kind of person I want to be and learn what I have to do to be that way. That didn’t’ work. Make up a way: My final attempt was to make everything and everyone around me see things and do things my way. Needless to say that didn’t work as well. All the failed attempts always resulted in relapses, but since it was either alcohol or a drug that wasn’t my drug of choice, it was ok in my head. I was hurting, I saw the people around me were hurting and wanted to just not be near me anymore. Pride, ego and low self esteem wouldn’t let me admit that I was wrong. I knew I was wrong, I knew my way wasn’t working, I knew that there are tools out there available for me to use whenever I chose to use them, but i was still resisting. I was resisting just to resist at that point. I wasn’t even making sense to myself anymore. But from what i understand now that’s just my nature of an addict. All I knew is that I wanted to be clean and sober and have a chance at life and true happiness. I started talking to my cousin, who’s in recovery as well and has years of clean time, and I just wanted to understand how he’s doing it. I wanted what he has but I still didn’t want it to do it the way he’s doing it. I still thought I could find my way.
But I can’t. I don’t know how. I have no control at being what I am, I accepted that. Nobody made me this way, and I didn’t make myself this way. I just am this way. I was made this way. By something that’s higher than me, than any person. I don’t know who exactly or what it is and I can’t know. I accepted that I don’t know everything and I can’t know everything. But what I do know is there’s a way that other addicts are staying in recovery because they have shared that knowledge with me.
I went to my first NA meeting today. Too many emotions to describe them all. Walking in the room though i felt that I was safe, I didn’t know it for a fact that I’m safe but somehow I still felt safe. It was a speaker meeting. And at the beginning I noticed that I was still resisting, still concentrating on everyone else except for me. Until the speaker started talking. And then I couldn’t’ resist anymore, everything he was saying I understood, I could identify with it. I am just like that. He was describing how he was as a child and I felt that he was describing me. He was describing how he was and is, his thoughts and I felt that he was describing me. Then there was a break and I didn’t’ know what I was supposed to do, so I just sat there. A woman came up to me, sat next to me, I instantly felt tense the way I always have, but then she introduced herself to me, asked me my name, started talking to me and I relaxed and was just talking to her. Not thinking and guessing what the right thing to say was. I was just talking. And she was just listening. After the break several other people spoke briefly and I was feeling tired and wanted to leave already, but decided to stay. I’m glad I did. I learned that not all of us have the same stories, did and do the same things. Even though we’re the same, we still are unique. At first when I heard something that wasn’t like it is for me, I wanted to resist but I chose not to.
I accept there’s a Higher Power and since it created the world and life, it all works according to the will of the Higher Power. That’s just the way that it is. I accept that and I accept that I have to live life on life’s terms. I tried it differently, live on my terms according to my will and it didn’t work. I surrender my will to the Higher Power. I involuntary sighed as I wrote that, felt liked some sort of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Everything right now is unstable and I have no idea how literally everything is going to work out. But I have no control over that. Yea, I’m scared. Really scared. I’m sad. I’m worried. I’m tired. I’m scared. But overall I’m ok. There’s nothing I can do right now to change any of that, there’s nothing there for me to do right now to change any of that. All I know is that tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I want to go back to the meeting, be around people like me and learn more from them. There’s so much I don’t know and I am eager to learn. I’m finding that right now I have to keep telling myself constantly to be patient, to slow down, it’ll come in time. I just have to keep going, keep taking the path that’s there for me to take, that other’s like me are following and not veer off.