This isn’t what I was originally going to write about today but my morning didn’t go as I would’ve preferred and that usually sets the rest of the day in the same direction.
The best kind of mornings for me are spent in silence for at least the first hour after I wake up. No phone, no computer, no talking to anybody about anything, just be being by myself with my own thoughts. I wake up, get a pot of coffee going, get my notebook, pens, planner and a laptop ready and in my backpack, poor myself a cup of coffee in a mason jar over some ice and walk to the lake. I find a quite spot with no people around by the lake, on a grassy area, under the tree and just sit there for a few minutes, staring at the lake. Just feel the air and my surroundings, taking it all in. During those minutes I don’t think, just take some deep breaths, block all thoughts and feel the tension ease out of my body, everything on the inside sort of relaxing. I think of it as finding my own center. Then I get my planner out and look over my overall To Do list, that has basically just everything that I have to do in general. I decide what I get done this day and add them to the list of things to do for the day along with the few things that are already on there that I have to do every day. After that’s done, I just sit there for a few more minutes, drink my coffee, smoke a cigarette and direct my focus to what I’m feeling on the inside. I basically feel all of the emotions that I’m feeling at the moment without thinking. Try to feel if there are any traces of anxiety, stress, fear or any general uneasy or unstable feeling. Then I shift my focus to my mind and let myself think, pretty much just let my thoughts run through my mind without concentrating on any particular thought, just letting them pass. Once I reach a thought that makes the uneasy feeling stronger, I stop, get out my notebook, and start exploring the thought further. I write everything that comes to mind without worrying about proper spelling or punctuation, just want to get my thoughts out on paper so they exit my mind. Once all of the thoughts are on paper, I can understand better exactly what the problem is, if it’s something I’m able to do anything currently to resolve or if it’s something that I have no control over and have to let it be for now. Through that process I’m able to work out that uneasy feeling regardless if the actual issue can be solved at the moment or not. Once everything on the inside feels even and calm again, I go home and get ready for the day.
Sometimes the whole thing takes longer than an hour. Used to take a lot longer when I just started doing it. But in the end, the rest of the day usually goes pretty smoothly for the most part and ends up being productive without the feeling of overwhelming stress and anxiety. The mornings I don’t walk to the lake, I try to find any quiet area outside of my house but it’s difficult sometimes with people constantly walking around and having their own conversations that involuntarily distract me from myself. The mornings I’m not able to go through my routine at all and I wake up to my phone ringing, or the news or any conversations about anything, usually make me start feeling anxiety. It only gets worse throughout the day, I’m get irritated over anything, can’t focus on doing the things that need to get done, don’t really want to have more conversations with more people. I usually don’t even know why I’m feeling that way, the people that I’m getting irritated with aren’t doing anything really to irritate me, nothing is really wrong, looking at it from an outside perspective. But on the inside everything is sort of jumping around. In my experience those days don’t really end well, especially if there are a few of them in a row, at some point I end up losing my temper and then anything can happen really. So one of my main focuses right now is to avoid that from happening. I don’t care how urgent something feels when I wake up, I need time to write, think and be with myself. Or if it’s not possible to do when I wake up, then at some point throughout the day, it just takes a lot longer then because the anxiety feeling gets usually pretty intense with more time passing throughout the day.
This morning was sort of like that, but that’s more on me to be dedicated to my routine that I have already realized works. Today, however, instead of giving in to my anxiety and getting irritated over everything, I sort of tried to put it all on pause until I’m able to have some alone time. It ended up working out well in terms of avoiding conflicts, me getting visually irritated at someone or just being in a bad mood. The entire process, however, of finding my own center took a lot longer as a result but the day ended up being overall nice and I’m feeling good. Tomorrow is another day…